The "rules" post

So many of you have loved us. Prayed for us. Cried with us. Bought us things. Cleaned our house. Helped with our kids. We love you! For that and just for being who you are. And we know you are anxious to meet Grace and show her how excited you are that she is here. We cannot wait until she is installed as a fully functioning member of the Klemstine family, running the halls of Crossroads Church, MAOG, First Baptist, and Heritage Elementary as well as many of your houses. But before that can happen, we need to help Grace fully understand who we (her family) are and who she can always come to for comfort, guidance, appropriate love, food, and security. And for this, the rules of engagement with Grace must be a little different at first.

Why are the rules different for Grace? What can you expect from us and with Grace for the next few months? Throughout this process we have done a lot of training about orphan care. We have learned and processed a lot. Some of the next two paragraphs comes from my friend Kelli’s blog, with Grace’s info inserted. It may help you to remember/learn what she has been through.

Grace was born approximately May 15, 2007. On May 15, 2008, she was found beside a road near the entrance to a village. Most likely her parents could not afford the costs of surgery to fix her lip and palate and were no longer able to keep her healthy. We are forever grateful that her mother chose to conceive her when other options were available and that she kept her for that first year, when eye contact and love is so important in forming those basic brain pathways. When her parents could not be ascertained, she was sent to an orphanage, where she spent approximately 2 years. We know nothing about that institution, other than what we know about all orphanages, which is that there are too many kids and too few nannies. When a child is in an institution they don’t learn how to function in a family. How could they? All nannies are called “mamas”. She was then sent to a foster home, which is a good thing. She learned what a family was like, and we hope they loved her. We did not meet them and will never know for sure, other than that she seems very happy and contented, which probably speaks volumes for them. And then, the day she came to us, the most trusted people in her life handed her over to complete strangers who handed her to us. That is a lot of loss.

 The rules we have are very important in helping Grace know who her family is so she attaches to us. Healthy attachment makes healthy children and adults. Attachment is so very important. Adoption is borne out of loss, so the minute she met us, her life suddenly didn’t become sunshine and rainbows. In her short life, Grace lost her birth parents, her family, her friends and since we arrived she lost her foster parents and grandparents, and now all the smells, sights, sounds and language of China that she has known for nearly five and a half years.

Grace still struggles with appropriate boundaries. She will walk up to anyone and grab anything that interests her. It’s cute sometimes, but ultimately inappropriate. She becomes easily overstimulated and starts acting wildly. She still has some very affected behaviors when she thinks she needs to please. She has adjusted relatively well to us. This could be a good thing, or not. We need to make sure she knows that we are her forever family, not just some transitional situation. For these reasons and others we will be staying home mostly for a few weeks, other than doctor appointments and other necessary trips or outings locally to the playground because that is something she loves. We will ask that you not pick her up, feed her or try to kiss her. This will not be a forever rule for my concerned, very affectionate friends (you know who you are RobynJ). Just for now. She is pretty independent (which is something I strive for in my bio kids but in institutionalized children can be caused because no one was every trustworthy in their lives) but we will most likely not be very far from her at any time, so if she needs comfort or food or potty help, find us. We must do that for her to imprint ourselves into her psyche as the provider of her earthly needs. Please don’t be offended if we do not attend parties or gatherings or host any for the next few months, or leave early or quickly from any event. Her growth and well being are our priority for the next few months.

Grace truly is a sweet kid who has suffered great loss in her life and we want to give her the best chance at a solidly grounded emotional future. We want her to know the unconditional love of parents and God. We want to see her true self as it continues to unfold.

If you want to love on someone, love on our boys. They are going their own journeys as they figure out their new roles and as Mom and Dad’s attentions are split 4 ways now instead of 3, with a greater proportion going towards a very small new girl. And much outside attention will also be on that same small new girl. They could likely use a hug, a smile, an encouraging word.

Thank you for your help!! We love you! We can’t wait for you all to get to know Grace.